The Diary (excuse me, Journal) Of RJ. Larsky ~

02 April 29th, 23:51

Each new place, each new chapter. Each new minute, each new life. Less than a year ago I had my friends. Friends since I was 8. But they've moved on. I was a moment in their life, I suppose the same for them in my life is true. One still claims to be best friends with me, but we all know she doesn't really care that way about me. She doesn't know that, but you roll with the punches. Jim will write until forever. It's funny, as selfish as this sounds (we all do it though) I look to see if there's a hint of me in his stories. And you think, 10 years of friendship might influence it a bit, right? Nah, not really.

Hans once told me, during freshman year of high school, that he was afraid of losing me as a friend because one day he said I'd leave this place forever and be successful, leaving everyone behind. This isn't true. I cling to the memories. I try not to push it on people, but I try to keep in touch. Terry and I are still close. She goes to school back at home.

I reflect on this because I am applying to transfer. I feel so uncertain about things when I should be settling down again. I love my friends here at Connecticut, and I feel bad for leaving them, but academically I cannot grow here. It shouldn't matter they say, but it does to me. Since I've had a general feeling of loneliness (due to my own actions), I'm left with stories, memories, and feelings… very little do those people still remember me or care about me. Nor do I treat them the same as I had.

Love is important to me. I still have my family. I love them. I think during these past few years I have grown closer with them than ever before. It's been a series of ups and downs. Moving was tough. Seeing my house destroyed (although I only drove by at night) was surreal. I don't think I've ever accepted that loss. Still can't come to grips with it. 18 years of my life was in that house. All the smells, feelings, memories… everything.

I love Derek and often I feel like he and my family are the only people right now that will always be there for me. I guess that's selfish. My friendship with him is more important than the sex part. Far more important. I can't imagine my life without his friendship or trust.

Why am I writing? I think it's because I feel abandoned by my past life. I understand you move on from high school, but when I hear about all my old friends visiting each other and hanging out…. And then no one will visit me? I've asked, I've visited, but I guess I'm not interesting enough, important enough for that. I can deal with that. I can focus on my education, my career, myself, becoming more selfish because it's futile to get close with people. Once I'm out of site, forget it, most people could care less. Terry is definitely an exception and obviously Derek. I chat occasionally with others, but it's just old habits acting up. I try to tell myself that one day they'll come back asking what happened to me, asking for my attention, but that's just a lie, trying to build up my self esteem. We all know we drift away from each other like the continents. Our Pangaea-like friendship will never exist in same form ever again.

So, I let go… Or I try anyway. Let go and rebuild my future. I should be able to deal, right?

01 March 3rd, 15:36

Have you ever felt like your life's a movie and you're in the end part where you're walking away and the credits appear and you slowly disappear on the screen... If you were to define my life right now, that's me...walking away and fading out to the audience. Not in that I'm drifting into death or even depression (maybe I am) but I feel like I'm changing and drifting away from my friends. Far away from the people I've grown close to. Maybe I'm done with that part of growing and I'm on to the next stage. I feel colder emotionally... I don't feel so drowned by my emotions. I've closed up in a sense, but in a way that makes me happier. I know what I want now, I know that I've got to get down to it. Get down to work, go where I want. Enough of this romantic shit, get back on reality... well I'm still a romantic at heart, but I'm not going to share it am I? Well... I mean there is this one person that I love, but hey, it's not possible. It's dreaming of the impossible... for now anyway. Everything is temporary with life, I've got to remember that. Changing is a fact of life. But, I feel like the little mermaid now. Not the disney one, but the old one, the true one where she doesn't get the prince. But, she watches over him and his wife. I feel like that's what I'm going to become. Watching the one I love walk away with someone else, never knowing the truth. Why am I so scared of telling the truth? Why am I so scared of jumping in? I don't know... life just gets complicated.